Grief and Grieving - Q & A

Can 'How to Survive Your Grief' Help Years Later

Question

My son, 18, was killed in a fall from a cliff on May 28th 2005.  3 years later I still find myself sometimes unable to shake the fact that he is gone, my baby is gone.

Am I too late for your book?

Answer

I'm so sorry. 

No, it's not too late for the book. Some losses take longer than others, and losing a child is one of the more traumatic losses.

There's no time limit on grief.

In addition to the book, I would encourage you to find a support group...preferably one for parents.

You might also try Compassionate Friends, an organization dedicated to supporting parents who have lost a child. They provide wonderful support.

http://www.compassionatefriends.com

Can I Use Your Book for....

Question

Can I use your book for sharing with others. I lost my husband almost 4 years now and I see in my church there are more and more like us.... and I want them to know that I am there, a phone call away.. We both know that the silence can be deafening at times and you are being strong for your kids. so who do you turn to.. for me it is Jesus... spiritually. but phisically, my hubbys bathrobe..

Answer

I agree that silence is deafening. I'm so glad you want to step up and help.

I am happy for you to share the book with others. The book is a wonderful resource for anyone leading groups or visiting people who are grieving, and you are welcome to use it in that way. You are also welcome to give a copy to the church library.

What you cannot do is make photocopies or printouts to give to people. If you would like to share copies with other people I would be happy to arrange a quantity discount.

Thanks again for reaching out.

I Can't Seem to Get Over It

Question

I receive variations on this question all the time...

I can't seem to get over this loss. Help!

Answer

I go into this in depth in the book, but the most common reason for anyone getting stuck in their grief is because there were other issues in the relationship with the person who died.

Contrary to what most of us assume, the hardest losses are the difficult relationships. Good, healthy relationships are the easiest bereavements of all. On the surface that may sound strange, but once you think about, it begins to make a whole lot of sense.

Here's why...

If you have a relationship where there are problems, and that person dies, you end up grieving two losses. One is the actual death. The other is the loss of hope. The relationship you wanted with the person who died will never be. The minute they die, any hope for a better relationship dies too.

Unfinished business or things left unsaid, also fall into the type of thing that can prolong grief. People get stuck feeling that they never said "I love you" or didn't say it enough. Or they worry because they didn't apologizing for something. 

Even in the best relationships there are arguments, and if a fight was the last interaction you had, that all gets mixed in with the grief over your loss. 

None of this means you can't get over it, but these issues make it harder.

In prolonged grief there is often some unfinished piece about the relationship that has yet to be acknowledged. Generally, when that missing piece is addressed, the grief starts moving again, and when grief is moving, you are always headed toward resolution and healing. 

Question

Does it really take two years to get through it?  My mom passed away 4 months ago, and I feel like it just happened yesterday.

Answer

There is no set amount of time grief should take. It varies quite a bit from person to person. For some a year is enough. For others it can take much longer. 

Even though it often lasts for over a year, it's not the same throughout. When we stay open to the grief, our experience will be all over the map...sadness, anger, laughter, tears, relief, fear, longing. Some describe it as a roller coaster. The point is that normal, healthy grief makes us feel unstable at best. 

At 4 months your loss is still very new and I would expect it to feel like is just happened. You're actually right on target. Typically, the time between 3 months and 9 months is the hardest because it's when the full reality of the loss kicks in. 

I would really encourage you to buy the book. It goes into detail about this and many other normal grief reactions. 

I would also encourage you to find a support group. This is the time you need support the most.

Take good care,

Susan