Family Members Grieving Differently

Question

I lost my son 3 months ago, and I miss him so much sometimes it's so hard to go on. I mean everyday is hard. I have other children and they keep me going, but it's so hard sometimes. My husband is grieving differently and I get angry. What should I do?

Answer

Losing a child is one of the hardest losses, and I'm so sorry for your loss. 

It is normal for family members to grieve differently. You and your husband are two people with different temperaments and two emotional styles...of course, you're grieving differently. 

You also each had a unique relationship with your son so even though it was your son who died, you are grieving two different relationships.

Add to this that grief is fluid and unpredictable at best, is it any wonder that you're in different places?

It is also true that family members are often the worst people to turn to for support. Why? Because everyone is just barely making it through the day themselves, and they have no emotional reserves to support anyone else.

That said, feeling angry about the lack of support from your husband is also quite normal. He should be there for you, right? And he's not...not because he doesn't love you or because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't have it to give. I expect he will be in time, but as I said, he's probably just barely making it through the day...just like you.

Here's what I would recommend...

First, contact Compassionate Friends. Their entire mission is to help people who have lost a child and they do a darn good job of it.

Second, find a local support group and start going regularly. You may find one through Compassionate Friends, but you can also contact your local hospice, funeral home, or clergy for a referral.

Finally, when you're both able, share you memories of your son. If your husband can't do that right now, share your memories with other family members. Talking about what you're feeling can be helpful, but telling the stories about your son and his life, is the most healing thing you can do.

You can find much more in How to Survive Your Grief. You'll find the chapter on having difficulty with family members on page 84.

I hope this helps.

Susan