Susan, my husband died 13 years ago and I really do not feel I grieved at that time...I worked, had a home, children close by, grandbabies around.
Now Im a mess. I retired 6 years ago and am quite lonely and missing my husband on a daily basis, also dreaming of him.
I'm depressed and on meds but can't shake it. I stay busy in the mornings but am on the couch for about 3 hours every afternoon..help I dont like the feeling. Dont know if its age or just missing him. Thank you for taking the time to read this.
Answer
It is never too late to grieve, and from what you said, I would agree this is grief related, but I don't have a lot to go on so I would also encourage you to get evaluated by a grief counselor who understands the difference between grief and depression.
Here's my best guess about what happened. Because your grief was so painful, you pushed it aside by distracting yourself and staying very busy. After you retired (and the grandbabies grew up???), staying in constant motion stopped working.
Staying active is a common strategy for not feeling grief. If you can distract yourself long enough maybe you'll never have to feel it. It's a strategy that can work for quite a while.
The problem is that no one can keep that level of activity up indefinitely. Eventually all of the feelings buried under the activity emerge. Sometimes it's another loss that triggers it. Sometimes it's a change of circumstance like retirement, kids leaving home, or even remarrying. It doesn't really matter what triggers it because 99.9% of the time, something will drop kick you back into the grief.
This is why I am so adamant that when someone you love has died, you need to stay with the grief and let it take you where you need to go. After years of working with people who are grieving, I can assure you that grief knows exactly what you need and it will heal you when you allow the process to unfold without judgment or fear.
The minute you try to block it, move on prematurely, or try to "manage" the feelings, it will come back with a vengeance, and probably when you least expect it.
No matter when the feelings hit, there is only one thing to do...follow the grief. You don't need to manage it. You need to feel it.
Does anyone like grieving? No, nobody wants to go through this. It hurts, but the only way out is going through it.
So my advice would be to open your heart and allow your grief to heal you. It will if you stop trying to block it.
I am a big advocate of support groups. In my opinion, they are the single most effective thing you can do in moving through your grief. Though grief counseling can help, groups are even more effective because you're sharing with people who are going through it at the same time. Sharing the experience of grief helps tremendously.
You can always get a referral from your local hospice, funeral home or clergy.
Take good care of yourself, and allow yourself to grieve. The only time grief gets harder is when you avoid it. I know it doesn't feel this way, but It always gets easier with time and attention...always.
Be well,
Susan
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