Grief and Grieving - Q & A

When Family Disappoints

This question didn't get a direct response from me because she didn't leave an email address, so I hope she'll check back here.

Question

I lost my only child in October and her husband has taken up with his friend from work

Answer

First of all, it's not all that uncommon for men to begin dating. Sometimes it's because they're seeking comfort. Other times, it's because they had a really good marriage and are moving on. One of the ironies of grief is that the better the relationship was, the easier the grief.

I can't say which it is for him or whether there's another reason. What I do know is that family members often grieve in different ways and in different time frames. It's one of the reasons, families often have a hard time supporting each other. That and everybody is so absorbed in their own grief that they don't have a lot of emotional energy left to support anyone else.

It certainly makes sense to me that you as her mother and he as her husband would be in very different emotional spaces right now. So though it may be difficult for you to see him dating, I would encourage  you to tend to your own grief and let him tend to his.

That may not be what you want to hear, but I hope it helps nonetheless.

Susan

I do talk about the difficulties families have while they're grieving a shared loss on pages 84-86.

Tags: grief, grieving, families, death

Early Grief After a Sudden Death

Question
i dont know what to ask my dad just died suddenly i dont know what to say it was monday

Answer
I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like it was unexpected which always makes it harder.

It's early yet and you sound like you're swamped with a flood of emotions. If you're like most, those emotions are all over the place right now.

One of the best things you can do is talk about your dad and his death to anyone who will listen. Talking about it will help you begin to make sense of it all.

It may be early yet, but a support group would probably help a lot. Contact your local hospice, funeral home or clergy for a referral.

I would also encourage you to get the book. It talks about all of this and much, much more. Most people find it helps a lot to realize what they're going through is normal.
How to Survive Your Grief

And take extra good care of yourself right now.

I know it doesn't help much at this point, but you will recover from the loss of your dad. You'll be changed by the experience but you will be able to move on with your life without this excruciating pain.

Take good care,

Susan

Helping a Friend Who is Grieving

Question
I have a friend who lost her son in February this year. She has been in-consolable ever since.  I want so badly to help her. I want to know what the most helpful thing I can do for her is??

Answer
Watching someone go through this kind of loss can make you feel quite helpless, and losing a child is one of the hardest losses anyone can go through.

In order to be helpful, you need to get comfortable with her pain so you can really be with her without pity or feeling like you need to fix it.

Second, listen to her. One of the most healing things you can do it listen to the stories she has to tell about her son and his death. (Warning...listening to the same stories over and over again can be wearing but that's exactly what she needs to do. It helps if you're not the only one doing it)

Here is a link to an article I wrote on how to help that you may find helpful.
5 Ways to Help When Someone You Know is Grieving

I would also encourage her to find a support group. Counseling is fine but grief is not a mental disorder and support groups tend to be much more effective.  I would recommend contacting Compassionate Friends, an organization specializing in the loss of children.

If you can't find a group through them, you can check with your local hospice, funeral home or clergy for a referral.

Last but not least, I would get 2 copies of the book...one for you and one for her. It will educate you on what the grieving process is really like and what it takes to get through it.
How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died

I hope this helps.

Susan

So What Makes You a Grief Expert Anyway?

Question
What is your back ground? Do you have a degree? I am thinking about ordering your book for someone who has just lost her husband.  Thought maybe your book might help her.

Answer
I appreciate your interest and I'm sure the book would help. I'm very sorry to hear about her husband.

By training I am a psychotherapist with a Master's in Counseling Psychology. I am licensed as a Licensed Mental Health Counselor in Massachusetts.

I also spent 2+ years facilitating a bereavement support group for Omega Emotional Support Services, and spent 5 years working for hospice doing bereavement followup and volunteer training.

Hope that helps,

Susan

Pathological Grief?

Question
My husband unexpectedly passed away 2 years ago.  Recently I was told by a medical professional who prescribes my grief meds that I have passed over from grief to 'pathological grief'. I have lots of thoughts on what that means but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Answer
I have no idea what crossing over into pathological grief means. I also don't know you well enough to second guess someone who does.

If you have any concerns about the person treating you, I would encourage you to get a second opinion. I would definitely get your meds evaluated by someone else. Meds are often helpful but they can also get in way of the grieving process.

This is what I will share, 2 years is not a particularly long time to grieve a husband who died unexpectedly. The more grief is studied,  the more it's acknowledged that grief lasts much longer than we previously thought.

There are things that can make grief more complicated or prolonged (not pathological). I don't know if any of these apply, but they might be worth considering.

- a previous diagnosis of depression, bipolar disorder or other other mental illness.

- the relationship you had with the person who died was difficult, there were unresolved issues, or you had a fight.

- unexpected or violent deaths are often more difficult

- there were previous losses and the grief over those has been reactivated by the current loss

- there were multiple deaths very close together

Just some things to think about, and as I said before, 2 years really isn't that long to grieve an unexpected loss.

Hope that helps,

Susan