Grief and Grieving - Q & A

Can 'How to Survive Your Grief' Help Years Later

Question

My son, 18, was killed in a fall from a cliff on May 28th 2005.  3 years later I still find myself sometimes unable to shake the fact that he is gone, my baby is gone.

Am I too late for your book?

Answer

I'm so sorry. 

No, it's not too late for the book. Some losses take longer than others, and losing a child is one of the more traumatic losses.

There's no time limit on grief.

In addition to the book, I would encourage you to find a support group...preferably one for parents.

You might also try Compassionate Friends, an organization dedicated to supporting parents who have lost a child. They provide wonderful support.

http://www.compassionatefriends.com

Can I Use Your Book for....

Question

Can I use your book for sharing with others. I lost my husband almost 4 years now and I see in my church there are more and more like us.... and I want them to know that I am there, a phone call away.. We both know that the silence can be deafening at times and you are being strong for your kids. so who do you turn to.. for me it is Jesus... spiritually. but phisically, my hubbys bathrobe..

Answer

I agree that silence is deafening. I'm so glad you want to step up and help.

I am happy for you to share the book with others. The book is a wonderful resource for anyone leading groups or visiting people who are grieving, and you are welcome to use it in that way. You are also welcome to give a copy to the church library.

What you cannot do is make photocopies or printouts to give to people. If you would like to share copies with other people I would be happy to arrange a quantity discount.

Thanks again for reaching out.

I Can't Seem to Get Over It

Question

I receive variations on this question all the time...

I can't seem to get over this loss. Help!

Answer

I go into this in depth in the book, but the most common reason for anyone getting stuck in their grief is because there were other issues in the relationship with the person who died.

Contrary to what most of us assume, the hardest losses are the difficult relationships. Good, healthy relationships are the easiest bereavements of all. On the surface that may sound strange, but once you think about, it begins to make a whole lot of sense.

Here's why...

If you have a relationship where there are problems, and that person dies, you end up grieving two losses. One is the actual death. The other is the loss of hope. The relationship you wanted with the person who died will never be. The minute they die, any hope for a better relationship dies too.

Unfinished business or things left unsaid, also fall into the type of thing that can prolong grief. People get stuck feeling that they never said "I love you" or didn't say it enough. Or they worry because they didn't apologizing for something. 

Even in the best relationships there are arguments, and if a fight was the last interaction you had, that all gets mixed in with the grief over your loss. 

None of this means you can't get over it, but these issues make it harder.

In prolonged grief there is often some unfinished piece about the relationship that has yet to be acknowledged. Generally, when that missing piece is addressed, the grief starts moving again, and when grief is moving, you are always headed toward resolution and healing. 

Question

Does it really take two years to get through it?  My mom passed away 4 months ago, and I feel like it just happened yesterday.

Answer

There is no set amount of time grief should take. It varies quite a bit from person to person. For some a year is enough. For others it can take much longer. 

Even though it often lasts for over a year, it's not the same throughout. When we stay open to the grief, our experience will be all over the map...sadness, anger, laughter, tears, relief, fear, longing. Some describe it as a roller coaster. The point is that normal, healthy grief makes us feel unstable at best. 

At 4 months your loss is still very new and I would expect it to feel like is just happened. You're actually right on target. Typically, the time between 3 months and 9 months is the hardest because it's when the full reality of the loss kicks in. 

I would really encourage you to buy the book. It goes into detail about this and many other normal grief reactions. 

I would also encourage you to find a support group. This is the time you need support the most.

Take good care,

Susan

Mixed Bag - Multiple Losses, Alcohol & Family Relationships

Question

I lost a grandmother, a godmother and an aunt in 2007. All were devistating losses. I am not so much concerned about myself as I am about my mother. My mother is having an extremely hard time with these losses, especially my godmother who was her best friend and died in December.  

She has started to act as if she wants to be my friend and not my mom anymore. She drinks now and was never a fan of it before. She is very needy and some days doesn't get out of her pajamas. I have told her that maybe she needs to seek help - but of course she doesn't think so. 

I have been married almost 2 years and my mother is causing great stress on my marriage. I feel like I can't deal with the grief I have and that she keeps me on a emotional roller coaster. I stay worried about her all the time. 

I feel guilty constantly if my husband and I go do anything and don't invite her to come. She wants to come on vacation with us but I don't think that's a great idea but I feel really guilty for not.

I know that your book will help me deal with my own grief but will it give me some insight on how to deal with my grieving parent?

Answer

It sounds like you and your mom are having a really hard time. 

The short answer to your question is yes the book would be helpful for both of you.

The long answer is that only 2 things concerned me about your situation...

1. Your Mom's drinking

From the sound of it this is something to be concerned about. Having an occasional drink is very normal during the grieving process, but drinking regularly to relieve the pain is not.

You can express your concern but you are not responsible for getting her to stop. I agree with you that getting some help would be a good idea but you can't force her.

You are only 10 months into the grief which means falling apart is normal. If this were 2 or 3 years down the line, I'd be much more concerned, but 10 months after 3 losses...not so much.  I'd expect some very active grieving to be going on right now. 

So although the drinking disturbs me and may prolong her grief, the depression symptoms may be grief. If that's the case, all of this may resolve on its own. Give it a bit of time, get past the first anniversaries, and see how she's doing.

Even if she is still grieving, the "flavor" of it should be changing over time. If it feels like the same thing 6 months from now, then there might be more reason for concern.

2. You feeling responsible for your Mom.

We do have a duty to our parents but we can't protect them from grief, life, negative feelings, or bad situations any more than they can protect us from those things. You need to focus on your own life, your marriage, and your own grief. 

Is it possible that focusing on her is "protecting" you from your own grief? 

It's even possible that your worry and feeling responsible is making it harder for her. It can feel like a burden to have someone worrying about you all the time.

The one thing most people need when they're grieving is someone to listen. Doing some reminiscing with her would probably be very helpful. Looking at photo albums or home movies together would be a good place to start and be good for both of you.

Do not take her on vacation with you. You and your marriage need a break. Take that time for yourself and protect it fiercely.

I hope that helps. The book will definitely be helpful for both of you.

Take good care,

Susan

Delayed Grief & How to Avoid It

Question

Susan, my husband died 13 years ago and I really do not feel I grieved at that time...I worked, had a home, children close by, grandbabies around. 

Now Im a mess. I retired 6 years ago and am quite lonely and missing my husband on a daily basis, also dreaming of him. 

I'm depressed and on meds but can't shake it. I stay busy in the mornings but am on the couch for about 3 hours every afternoon..help I dont like the feeling. Dont know if its age or just missing him. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

Answer

It is never too late to grieve, and from what you said, I would agree this is grief related, but I don't have a lot to go on so I would also encourage you to get evaluated by a grief counselor who understands the difference between grief and depression.

Here's my best guess about what happened. Because your grief was so painful, you pushed it aside by distracting yourself and staying very busy. After you retired (and the grandbabies grew up???), staying in constant motion stopped working.

Staying active is a common strategy for not feeling grief. If you can distract yourself long enough maybe you'll never have to feel it. It's a strategy that can work for quite a while.

The problem is that no one can keep that level of activity up indefinitely. Eventually all of the feelings buried under the activity emerge. Sometimes it's another loss that triggers it. Sometimes it's a change of circumstance like retirement, kids leaving home, or even remarrying. It doesn't really matter what triggers it because 99.9% of the time, something will drop kick you back into the grief.

This is why I am so adamant that when someone you love has died, you need to stay with the grief and let it take you where you need to go. After years of working with people who are grieving, I can assure you that grief knows exactly what you need and it will heal you when you allow the process to unfold without judgment or fear.

The minute you try to block it, move on prematurely, or try to "manage" the feelings, it will come back with a vengeance, and probably when you least expect it. 

No matter when the feelings hit, there is only one thing to do...follow the grief. You don't need to manage it. You need to feel it. 

Does anyone like grieving? No, nobody wants to go through this. It hurts, but the only way out is going through it. 

So my advice would be to open your heart and allow your grief to heal you. It will if you stop trying to block it. 

I am a big advocate of support groups. In my opinion, they are the single most effective thing you can do in moving through your grief. Though grief counseling can help, groups are even more effective because you're sharing with people who are going through it at the same time. Sharing the experience of grief helps tremendously.

You can always get a referral from your local hospice, funeral home or clergy.

Take good care of yourself, and allow yourself to grieve. The only time grief gets harder is when you avoid it. I know it doesn't feel this way, but It always gets easier with time and attention...always.

Be well,

Susan

Family Members Grieving Differently

Question

I lost my son 3 months ago, and I miss him so much sometimes it's so hard to go on. I mean everyday is hard. I have other children and they keep me going, but it's so hard sometimes. My husband is grieving differently and I get angry. What should I do?

Answer

Losing a child is one of the hardest losses, and I'm so sorry for your loss. 

It is normal for family members to grieve differently. You and your husband are two people with different temperaments and two emotional styles...of course, you're grieving differently. 

You also each had a unique relationship with your son so even though it was your son who died, you are grieving two different relationships.

Add to this that grief is fluid and unpredictable at best, is it any wonder that you're in different places?

It is also true that family members are often the worst people to turn to for support. Why? Because everyone is just barely making it through the day themselves, and they have no emotional reserves to support anyone else.

That said, feeling angry about the lack of support from your husband is also quite normal. He should be there for you, right? And he's not...not because he doesn't love you or because he doesn't care, but because he doesn't have it to give. I expect he will be in time, but as I said, he's probably just barely making it through the day...just like you.

Here's what I would recommend...

First, contact Compassionate Friends. Their entire mission is to help people who have lost a child and they do a darn good job of it.

Second, find a local support group and start going regularly. You may find one through Compassionate Friends, but you can also contact your local hospice, funeral home, or clergy for a referral.

Finally, when you're both able, share you memories of your son. If your husband can't do that right now, share your memories with other family members. Talking about what you're feeling can be helpful, but telling the stories about your son and his life, is the most healing thing you can do.

You can find much more in How to Survive Your Grief. You'll find the chapter on having difficulty with family members on page 84.

I hope this helps.

Susan

Dealing with Grief and Religious Beliefs

Question

Does your book contain information as it would relate to the bible?

Answer

No, it does not. In my experience, grief is grief regardless of one's religious or spiritual orientation, so I wrote the book for everyone.

It is very common for a significant loss to trigger a crisis in faith or a change in religious or spiritual practice. 

Here's an excerpt from the book...

For some, a death becomes a spiritual crisis, causing you to turn away from past beliefs and practices. For others, a death can be an opening to spiritual and religious curiosity. And for others, a loss challenges your beliefs in a way that reaffirms and deepens your spiritual or religious experience.

Some typical scenarios are... 

• Being a regular participant who finds yourself questioning God, even being angry at God, for letting the person you love die. 

• Lapsed practitioners experience renewed interest and participation in their previous spiritual or religious practice. 

• A death may trigger a spiritual awakening for some who have never really considered such matters before this loss. 

Despite the many preconceived ideas we carry with us, all spiritual growth involves periods of serious doubt, and sometimes, outright rejection of previously held beliefs. 

Doesn't it make sense that the death of someone you love might propel you into deep questioning about life, death, and God? 

I can't answer the questions for you, but I will say that God can take whatever we have to dish out. 

You can find more in How to Survive Your Grief  page 106

I'm Afraid I'll Forget

Question
im 13 i recently lost my grandad and im finding it hard sometimes and others not but i feel like his in the back off my mind all the time but shouldnt he be at the front im scared im goong to forget him or that i am 4getting him and i cannot do that ! is this normal??????????????

Answer
I'm so sorry about your Granddad. Sounds like you were close to him.

Everything you described sounds absolutely normal...the cycles of grief, the fear you'll forget him...all absolutely normal.

There is no right or wrong way to grieve so just let your grief guide you. I know that may sound kind of strange but it really does get you through it. It's often when we fight it that grief gets really hard.

As for forgetting him...you won't.

Did you think about him every moment when he was alive? Even with people we love very, very much, we don't think about them every minute of every day.

Some things you can do to help you remember...

Talk about him...share your memories with other family members, your friends (though most 13 year olds don't have much experience with death), his friends if you know them. You get the idea. Sharing the stories of his life and your relationship to him is one of the most healing things you can do.

Write...writing is a wonderful way of making sense of things that are new or that we don't fully understand. I usually recommend keeping journals private but it's up to you what you share.

Create a memory book...a scrapbook or photo album to hold your memories so if you do feel like you're forgetting him you'll have the memory book to remind you.

I hope this helps.

Take good care,

Susan

When Family Disappoints

This question didn't get a direct response from me because she didn't leave an email address, so I hope she'll check back here.

Question

I lost my only child in October and her husband has taken up with his friend from work

Answer

First of all, it's not all that uncommon for men to begin dating. Sometimes it's because they're seeking comfort. Other times, it's because they had a really good marriage and are moving on. One of the ironies of grief is that the better the relationship was, the easier the grief.

I can't say which it is for him or whether there's another reason. What I do know is that family members often grieve in different ways and in different time frames. It's one of the reasons, families often have a hard time supporting each other. That and everybody is so absorbed in their own grief that they don't have a lot of emotional energy left to support anyone else.

It certainly makes sense to me that you as her mother and he as her husband would be in very different emotional spaces right now. So though it may be difficult for you to see him dating, I would encourage  you to tend to your own grief and let him tend to his.

That may not be what you want to hear, but I hope it helps nonetheless.

Susan

I do talk about the difficulties families have while they're grieving a shared loss on pages 84-86.

Tags: grief, grieving, families, death